brain pickings

exactly 15 days ago I underwent one of the scariest and most humbling 47 minutes of my life.

if you’ve never experienced a head CT scan, allow me to walk you through it.

you have to sit perfectly still in a painfully narrow, white tube (that can barely fit an adult); with a helmet over your head that successfully ads to the overflowing sense of panic, otherwise known as claustrophobia; all the while you’re forced to listen the loudest, most bizarre alien machine sounds barraging through your ear drums.

you’re alone, you’re scared shitless and you find yourself negotiating with yourself, with God, and some other God, just to be ok.

you think to yourself, “stupid ungrateful brain, do you know how many books I read for you? I thought we were a team.”

but, time flows, as time does,
and after 47 minutes (or was it 3 hours?) you get out thinking the worst has passed, at least that’s what your girlfriend tells you, and now all you have to do is wait…
for 14 agonizing days.

you are now Schrödinger’s cat, meow.

imagine watching a dubbed movie where you can still hear the original audio in the background, barely above a whisper,
that whisper becomes your daily internal voiceover, only yours is yelling, so much so that you can’t actually hear the dialogue anymore.

the googling, the worrying, the ever-present fear…

the one thing you cherish most about yourself, your imagination, turns against you, building worst case scenarios faster than you can stop them,
of course you know you shouldn’t, of course you do it anyway.
stupid brain.

from the second you do that scan, anxiety becomes your daily affirmation.
every day becomes a mix of desperation and hope.
every day you try to forget, and not to forget.
your mind has a mind of its own.

after exactly 14 days, with your girlfriend’s hand in your hand,
you log in to see your results.

relief

“sometimes I wish I could save you from your mind” she says.

me too babe, me too.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

today is day 19 of the year, there are 346 days remaining of 2023.

they say you make your own luck,
do you make your own bad luck as well?

they say there are things that happen before the bullet hits the body…
warning signs, opportunities to escape, chances to fight back,
maybe.
maybe you’re just a confused tourist that’s taken a wrong turn.

for the last few weeks I’ve worked on planes, boats, trains and buses,
I’ve held meetings in hotel lobbies, cafes and coworking spaces.
I’ve traveled between countries and cities, castles and churches, restaurants and museums.

I’ve been working remotely for 12 years and I’m still shocked at how remote my work really is.
how much privilege and good fortune,
how much freedom.

and yet,

across the world sits a woman just like me,
just as motivated, skilled and able,
with the same work ethic and love for her family.

I hope to never forget or take for granted that the only difference between the two of us is the passport.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

today is day 15 of the year, there are 350 days remaining of 2022.

the romans, the mayans, the mongols…

entire civilizations minimized to one word in dusty history books.

everything fades, yes, even you.

so why hesitate? why sulk? why seek revenge?

what are you putting off doing out of fear?
what is it costing you?
what if nothing ever changed?
what are you waiting for?

ideally you should do some of these things before you decide to settle down and get 4 credit cards.

and if pure inertia fails, remember…

every problem can be solved through one of these three solutions:

• accept it
• change it
• leave it

if you can’t accept it, change it, if you can’t change it, leave it.

most of life’s hardships come from our inability to make one of these decisions.

so make one.

signed,
the millennial.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

today is day 11 of the year, there are 354 days remaining of 2022.

“don’t eat the yellow snow,”

I saw this golden piece of advice written on a postcard and chuckled to myself at how childish and ridiculous it was.

seeing how I’m currently galivanting through the Baltics at sub zero temperatures, that indeed sounded like pertinent advice.

I filed it for later use.

every once in a while I’d see a dog walking through the snow and, as if Pavlov himself had conditioned me, I remembered to giggle.

“don’t eat the yellow snow,”
bwah!

today I boarded a ferry that washed me away from cold and dark Helsinki to cold and dark Tallinn.
I’ve had spiced mulled wine and hot chocolate with Baileys,
I’ve carried half my body weight on my back for most of the day and am now sat in my hotel room, overlooking a frozen river who’s name I can’t pronounce, listening to my partner’s rhythmic snoring, thinking about yellow snow…

most of my life I’ve been trying to convince myself of some deeper truth, when there wasn’t one.

we’re all different the same way,
navigating many competing obligations and distractions,
living through each other’s point of view because we fear not being accepted,
explaining, understanding and justifying everything in order to feel safe and important.

and yet, all we want is to know that it’s going to be alright in the end.

lighten up, it’s not that deep.

just don’t eat the yellow snow.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

today is day 8 of the year, there are 357 days remaining of 2022.

congratulations! you made it through another
year,
12 months,
52 weeks,
365 days,
8,760 hours,
525,600 minutes,
31,536,000 seconds.

buckle up,

today is day 1 of the year, there are 364 days remaining of 2023.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

novelty at each turn of a corner:
new people, new language, new nature, new climate, new food, new textures, new smells, new problems, new solutions…

I don’t have many early childhood recollections but I suspect this is what I felt like, stumbling out of the house for the first time, with my hand tightly latching on to my mom’s finger, ready to explore the world…

a lot has happened this past month, and just to name a few:

• I spent two nights in a stilt house in the middle of nowhere, just so that I could run a jungle race,
• I almost got stomped on by a water buffalo,
• I paid a H’mong boy to be my hiking guide going up Phan Si Păng Mountain (the tallest in Indochina – my ego compels me to mention)
• I am actually driving a scooter in the madness that is Saigon traffic,
• I unearthed a love for coconut jelly, that is slowly evolving into an obsession,
• I became a plant mom,
• I spent 20 minutes in Cambodia,
• and I’m singlehandedly racking up Google Translate’s cloud hosting bill.

currently I’m sat cross-legged on a violently blue sofa, peering at the smog through my apartment’s window, trying to spot the skyscrapers built around Sài Gòn River;
in theory, I know they’re supposed to be in my direct line of sight,
in reality, today is one of those dusty yellow sky days, much like yesterday, and the day before that.

a price you must be fine paying when living in Ho Chi Minh.

I’ve always proudly painted myself as a traveler, a person of culture and exposure, and yet, when given a cup and a bucket of water, I was confused as to how I’m supposed to use them to bathe myself,

I was even more confused by everyone’s roaring laughter when I bolted out of the bathroom, screaming bloody murder after having seen a giant walking-stick cruising on the walls (google this insect with caution)

a culture so far from my own, that has no qualms with 10x’ing the price of a t-shirt because I’m so clearly white and I must be waking up every morning to give that good ol’ money tree a strong shake; a fool and her money…

much like yourself, I focus on my strengths because I want to live in my glory, and as easy as it may be to sit here, full of self importance and judgment on society, what do I know?

my palms are too soft, clothes are too clean, nails too polished.

what privilege of me to think of it as a lapse in morals;
placed in their shoes, would I so confidently sit on my high horse? not so sure.

I work off my laptop in an air conditioned room,
I pay 15 cents for a fresh coconut,
and the biggest question permeating my brain this morning is whether I should go to the gym first and then to the pool, or vice versa.

you’ll only be able to see how something really is, when you have no expectations of how it should be; an impossible feat, of course, but I do think it’s important to at least try to think outside our lived experiences and allow ourselves to be moved by our surroundings without arrogance and cynicism.

they say we are more blind to what we have than to what we have not,
and I believe them.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

today is day 311 of the year, there are 54 days remaining of 2022.

I run.
not so much that it overtakes my life,
and certainly not so fast as to merit a seat at the podium,
just enough to be considered a person that runs.

enough to actually enjoy it,
enough to wake up at dawn for a “quick” 10k,
enough to think I can, in fact, catch the bus.

I’ve had this thought many times, and each time it feels like a wake-up.

aside from living,
it is the simplest, and most complex thing I’ve ever done.

one foot in front of the other,
one breath out after another,
one thought in after the other,
imposing its rhythm.

grateful for every step, every breath, every droplet of sweat.

testing the limits of my world,
and yours,
unrushed and unworried,
inhaling and exhaling,
learning the difference between fatigue and pain,
wondering just how far am I willing to go to follow my thoughts.

and just like life,
running has a meaning simply because it has a finish line.

all we have to do is breath.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

today is day 285 of the year, there are 80 days remaining of 2022.

yes, it’s my birthday today.
these are 33 short lessons I’ve learned in the 12053 days I’ve graced this earth.
(no, I will not elaborate.)

1. wear sunscreen;
2. moisturize everything, especially your eyes;
3. walk, run, bike, climb… move your body, do it barefoot;
4. eat raw and fresh;
5. fast regularly;
6. humor is free, so think funnily because…
7. nobody is watching, we’re all busy with our own lives;
8. care less, retirement is a 21st century concept;
9. care more, live intently;
10. do small things often, because…
11. quantity and consistency is better than quality;
12. choose wisely, pain of discipline or pain of regret;
13. automate as much as possible;
14. get 1% better every day;
15. specialize in following your dreams, not a skill;
16. dominate 3 skills 25% better than most people;
17. read 20 pages a day, keep notes;
18. your brain is for processing not storing information, use it wisely;
19. go first;
20. create a morning routine;
21. polish your thoughts, strive for clarity;
22. meditate, if only a minute a day;
23. write;
24. create, don’t just consume;
25. emulate your mentors;
26. if it takes 2 minutes, do it now;
27. surround yourself with people that put you in check;
28. surround yourself with cheerleaders;
29. travel, ask questions, get curios;
30. you’re living your biography, make sure you enjoy reading it;
31. call your parents, they miss you;
32. be fun, have fun, nobody likes a downer;
33. do the least harm.

don’t listen to me, what do I know?

I’ll see you tomorrow.

today is day 262 of the year, there are 103 days remaining of 2022